Blokes Column: Christopher

Bemused man seeks lady with simple tastes, must like silly hats, must be into lingerie, stripping, pole experience an advantage, must have ability to spell out her likes in plain Emglish. Provide sizes before meeting.

It is my lovely lady's birthday in 2 weeks and I need to buy a gift. This presents a huge Grand Canyon sized peril. Get it right and I’m set until Christmas. Get it wrong and I could find myself tumbling to the bottom of that great ravine. The reason for this is simple; women love gifts. The question is what I get someone I have been seeing for only two months.

Time is a factor. Had we been together for a mere two weeks a sweet token of acknowledgment would suffice such as beautiful flowers or taking her out for a meal. After two months I should be demonstrating my innate understanding of who she is and what she wants.

It is not a test of my love but rather of whether I have paid attention or listened to her at all. Which of course is a test of my love.

To her enormous credit she exclaimed that I need not buy her anything as just my mere presence on her special day would be enough. Awww…But that is not the whole truth. Women LOVE gifts.

So I rack my alcohol influenced memory for some semblance of a clue to her desires. Clothes. Shows. DVD box sets. Electronic gizmos. Red Letter Days. Nope, although she may well love each and every one of those ideas I cannot remember for the life of me if she has said so.

But a vague recollection hits me; once, I swear, she said that she wanted to try pole dancing lessons...

...And what about lingerie to go with it? That's sexy and fun and exciting right?! And it shows her that I had listened and that I found her sexy. Surely it’s intimate too, would keep her fit, and be an experience that we could share! In my mind this is now ticking all the boxes!

Woah – wait though. What size is she? It wouldn’t do to get the sizes wrong - a sure sign of not paying attention. If I was lucky perhaps there would be a lady in the lingerie shop of similar size as my lovely lady that I can point out to the attendant as a reference…but that’s really reaching…come to think of it, has she EVER even mentioned pole dancing?

I then realised that these gifts I had been agonising over were actually gifts for me. I couldn’t remember anything so had let my sordid little mind make it all up.

In the end I decide upon a combo of cute personalised sweets, a bottle of something special she likes to drink, and the surprise of impressive flowers. It's a three hit present that ensures my thought, attention, and love is displayed without breaking the bank or our bond of affection.

Plus, she is truly wonderful so all my agonising was unnecessary anyway.

Still, the lingerie and the pole dancing would have worked together tremendously well even if I do say so myself, especially with her great ass.