Dos and Don’ts on the Red Carpet

Those in this life time that get the honour of attending Hollywood red carpet events are in the minority. If you were not the spawn of bumptious self adoring parents who, as the result of a messy divorce, unleashed all their love and ambitions on to you at an early age, then you might be feeling somewhat inadequate, disconsolate, lonely and of course most hideously, average.

Do not worry, with these humble Hollywood tips you can be certain to fill that void in your life, vacant now other than beastly teeth, verrucas and hair that screams ‘home dye’. Don’t despair, hide your baby bellies, stubbly bikini line and paint on that shiny veneer which will fool everyone into believing you’re just as a la mode as Angelina Jolie. Follow our edification and you might even get a change to encroach on a lesbian affair and obtain a promiscuous divorcee with million in the bank.

Of course venues like a husbands annual office supplies awards are not as glamorous, the carpet won’t be so much velvet as lack lustre store carpet but that shouldn’t stop you from looking fabulous. Remember, you’re probably overweight so we urge you to banish those pies, cakes and cream covered lattes immediately. As being lonely and unseemly leads you to eat muffins whilst watching repeats of Americas Next Top model, we urge you to stock up on plenty of chilled water, fresh fruit and vegetables and in particular diuretics such as broccoli and laxatives, copious amounts of laxatives.

As Gok championed, everyone looks gorgeous naked, but just in case be mindful to buy yourself some tummy control pants, you might look like an elephant in a condom but don’t distress, this will take stones off your waist and years off your sagging face. The dress should fit your body shape; skimming light fabrics hide those spare tyres and spaniels ears breasts. If you are especially curvy tuck the bottom of your breasts into your tummy control underwear for an immediate slimming effect. Great care should be taken in deciding the colour of your outfit, make sure it does not clash with your husband’s powder blue suit and brogues. Avoid yellows as they make your already sullen skin look ghoulish, and stick to the more flattering shades of black, midnight black and off black.

Your walk is very important; at least one photographer might be there to take shots of you for the in-house company magazine. Of course this is read by tens of people and you should shine. Make sure you glide rather than waddle and every inch of you should be perfect; try a manicure to elongate those misshapen fingers or some nail varnish on your toes to cover the yellow discolouration. Perfume is essential; squirt is on your wrists, on your neck. It should be light, fruity and summery and aim to mask your own pungent scent.

Once you are off the red carpet and in your local community centre remember to stand where the light is most flattering, corners of the room provide great lighting for chic cover-ups. Remember not to drink too much, although the sparkling Perry is relaxing you will pleased in the morning, whilst the others despair over their ‘funky chicken’ dancing, that you made sure you remained certifiably frigid and dignified. Avoid foods which contain garlic and cheese, especially Wotsits and pizza. 

Remember your walk back to the car is just as important, say goodbye to everyone in the room remember their names, allowing the drunken colleagues to pat your bum as you leave. Smile and nod at the women in the room as if you don’t know their husband is having an affair, you will see them all again at the same time next year. Be sure to get into your Volvo with upmost decorum, a flash of your underwear might be tantalising in other circumstances, but remember you are not Paris Hilton and remain demure. Finally, when you get home be sure to remove your ample underwear away from the gaze of your husband, although you have no intention of sleeping with him does not mean the mirage should be shattered.