This Week In The News

Those amongst you who can’t resist an all year round tan - beware! An unlicensed and untested hormone-based tanning drug called Melonatan is being sold illegally over the internet, despite threats of jail sentences for the vendors. The drug, like John Sergeant’s dancing, has not been tested for safety, quality or effectiveness.

As tests on the hormone have yet to be carried out, side effects are unknown. However, early reports suggest injecting the drug can cause high blood pressure, new freckles, panic attacks and a higher libido. So, if the sales of Melanotan are not stopped, our nations clubs may be swamped by gaggles of freckly, panicky, orange girls hell-bent on dragging home anything with a pulse… how will the nation cope?

In other news, the Imperial Klans of America (KKK to you and me) were forced to pay $2.5 million in damages after being sued by a Hispanic teenager who was repeatedly kicked in the face by a steel toe-capped boot.

The Kentucky judge even singled out the group's leader, the 'Imperial Wizard' Ron Edwards. Edwards coincidently taught Harry, Ron and Hermione in their 'Defence Against the Darkie Arts' classes. This ruling will apparently bankrupt the clan in a move which the victor claims “shows that those who promote hate and violence will be held accountable and made to pay a steep price.”

Speaking of those who promote violence, members of the government across the channel – i.e. here – continue to do it with impunity. I speak of UK Trade and Investment, the part of the government that uses £850 million our money a year to subsidise the sale of guns and tanks to dodgy regimes (China, Columbia, Saudi Arabia) and areas of the world already devastated by warfare (Kashmir, Palestine).

The UKTI was not in the news for wasting taxpayer’s money, however, but for a load of balls. £12,000 worth of branded golf balls to be precise.

The department defended the gimmicks as “corporate gifts for business leaders at events,” and thus legitimate expenditure.

I haven’t seen anyone lavish this much money on fresh new balls since Mark Oaten stood down.

And finally… One person who was surprised this week was Dennis Bueller, 13, of Recklinghausen, Germany. The hapless teenager sprayed his smelly toilet with aerosol before he stupidly began playing with a lighter! What followed? In his own words: "I woke up outside with my clothes burned off me and smelling like a barbecue."

The lackadaisical youth will need months of care. In typical dad style, his father has declared: "He realises he was a bit dim."