Advice: Ask Aunt Sally

Dear Aunt Sally,

Can you help me? My boyfriend (of 3 months) keeps insisting on giving me 'sensual' massages. He thinks it is sexy and so far I have gone along with it. The real truth though is that it feels like he is stabbing me with a variety of blunt objects.

I hate it and it really hurts, but I don't want to upset him or his ego because in every other way he is perfect! I know i am being ridiculous and should just tell him I don't like it but I think I've pretended for too long I like it and it would destroy him. What do I do?

Barbra,

Sheffield

Aunt Sally says...

Snooze snooze snooze snooze! God above what a boring pair you are. You think this is a problem. You’re a joke. You shouldn’t be going out with him if you can’t even communicate with him on the most basic level.

And he sounds like a riot, massages every night? Does he want to bore you to tears? Even if he was actually any good at them it’s like, who wants to eat the same dinner every night? Dull and textbook, it’s lame. And I hope he isn’t actually using the word sensual to describe his massages because anyone that does should be shot. The word alone makes me want to vomit. It makes me think of middle-aged stuck-in-a-rut couple trying to pep up their sex life. Heave!

As for destroying him, have you ever heard of a person being ‘destroyed’ because someone didn’t like their massages?! Let’s put this in to perspective here! If that would ‘destroy’ him then frankly he deserves to be destroyed.

All you have to do is tell him you want to try something new. It’s not hard, you don’t have to be mean or nasty, you’ll probably find out he’s sick of giving you them while you lie there like Lady Muck. Everyone wins, and you can find new and duller ways to excite yourself.

Got a problem only Sally can fix? Send it to her at advice@whispermag.co.uk