This Week In The News

A big cock and ball story hit the press this week, as news of Ang Quiang’s second penis made headlines. Poor Mr Quiang’s additional appendage had begun to freak out his girlfriend, whom he dutifully lopped it off for. “In the end she thought it was a bit creepy,” confessed Quiang. Question is, in which end did it creep? I suppose it’s this kind of intercourse related faux pas that led to him pass up a lucrative career in carny porn for true love.

Speaking of dicks, it seems Rupert Murdoch’s News Group has been forced to cough up a million quid. The News of the World has been caught illegally phone tapping celebrities leaving the scrotum-skinned press tsar to pay the damages.

Among the victims of the taps is former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, who is now calling for Andy Coulson, the NOTW’s editor at the time, to be reprimanded. Problem is, Andy is currently employed as David Cameron’s communications chief.

The Labour party is presumably terrified that the Tories now have access to all of John’s parliamentary intelligence. So, the Gourmet Buffet on Horseferry Road will probably receive a deluge of Eton boys looking for the best ribs in town and toilet cubicles with ample kneeling space.

But how relieving it is to know that after a decade of Alistair Campbell and Damian McBride’s immoral antics, that the Tories like their own spin-doctors to have a checkered history of illegal recklessness. Provided of course they got away with it up until now…

In other news, Somerset hotspot Wookey Hole is looking for a resident witch. The package includes a £50,000 pro rata salary and your own cave to maintain, but a cat allergy is considered prohibitive.

I’m sure this is all well intentioned tomfoolery, and advise anyone with a bitchy boss / nosy neighbor to pop an application form in the post. Applicants are also advised to be as honest as possible about their own abilities and skill sets. The council are in this respect seeking a ‘warts and all’ approach from applicants.

Finally, a report into the disastrous policing of the G20 demonstrations was published this week. It has come up with plan of twelve new measures designed to prevent a repeat of the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson, who was shoved to the ground on his way home from work.

The new measures include this nugget of wisdom:

“Any review of training to include an examination of tactics such as the use of shields and batons, ensuring they are subject to medical assessment.”

I’m sure that given the extensive lengths the MET goes to in order to achieve such a high level of professional policing that this examination will result in the following.

“Rock breaks bank window. Scissor movement beats protestor’s spirit. Paper wraps up the whole story making us look bad.”