The 10 Things You Should Never Say To Your Man

Ah men - they're so weird. Sometimes we think we have them sussed, but then the inner ten year old rears his pouty little head and you realise you really haven't got a clue.

So, although blokes are bound to say it's women who are the complicated ones, it's good to recap the essential things you should always steer clear of so we can avoid upsetting their poor little hearts. Plus, to balance things out, we've also got 10 top things that you should say to your man. Enjoy - the eternal guide to keeping your man happy and your sanity intact!

10 things NOT to say to your man

1. ‘Is that it?’ – Whether you are referring to his penis, the length of time he lasted or the collection of CDs that he’s really proud of, it’s just mean. Don’t scar him for life.

2. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to go on holiday with my mum and dad?’ - Don’t kid yourself! It’s his idea of hell. Being on best behaviour for a week in the sun, pretending that you don’t have sex and making small talk with your dad about the local cuisine – not sexy!

3. ‘Those tights look great on you’ – It’s no secret that men like to dress up, but don’t let them think they actually look hot in ladies clothes (unless you’re into that).

4. ‘That shirt is really slimming’ – You’re basically saying that they look chubby in everything else. Yes, they are just as sensitive as we are!

5. ‘The Godfather is a crap film’ – Why crush their dreams and spoil you’re bargaining power when you need a Dirty Dancing fix?

6. ‘My ex made the most amazing spag bol’ – It’s just asking for trouble. He will inevitably spend the coming weeks trying to make the best ever spag bol.

7. ‘It’s just his had a little something extra about it’ – Why torment him? Do you honestly want to eat spag bol until you die because he must prove himself to be better or until it turns out that the little extra was in fact Marks and Spencer’s something extra?

8. ‘Do you think I’ll be this hot in five years?’ – He’s either going to lie or he’s going to tell you the truth, and either way, you’ll be upset.

9. ‘I am I the sexiest girlfriend you’ve ever had?’ – Although you may well be the hottest he’s ever had, it will just annoy him and it makes you look insecure and needy – not hot!

10. ‘Will you love me forever?’ – This is fine if you are engaged and about to get married. In any other situation – you can either look crazy, needy or way too dependent. A little too scary movie-ish. Just be assured he either loves you now or he really likes you! Will you love him forever? Even when he farts under the duvet and holds it over your head? Didn’t think so!

10 Things you should say to your man

1. ‘Wow, I’ve never come like that before’ – It will make them feel great and they'll put that bit extra effort in whenever you have sex in the future to make sure you know he’s the best.

2. ‘I love your Mum, she’s so nice’ – No matter what he says, she is the Queen of his world.

3. ‘Yeah, I’d love to watch the rugby with you and your friends’ – He will think you are the coolest girlfriend ever!

4. ‘Brad really isn’t that hot, I prefer men who look a bit more rugged’ – secretly it will make him happy.

5. ‘I see that Liverpool are playing tonight – why don’t you go to the pub with your mates?’ – You know that secretly this is want he REALLY wants to do and you would quite like an evening to yourself.

6. ‘Baby, your shirt is washed and ironed and hanging up’ – Little does he know that it’s taken me 2 hours to hand wash it, God knows how many hours to dry it and an hour to iron it, but I know how nervous he actually is about his interview tomorrow.

7. ‘The car looks great, you must’ve spent hours making it look that shiny’ – You know he has spent hours each weekend making it look fabulous, even if it looks pretty much the same to you!

8. ‘What would I do without you?’ – He is just so useful. Fixing the boiler, putting up shelves, making the perfect rice. Seriously, how would you survive without your man sometimes?

9. ‘ You’ve worked so hard today honey, you sit down, I’ll cook the tea’ – despite the fact you may well have worked just as hard and for longer hours, but sometimes men need to hear that sympathetic statement. Just don’t let it happen all the time.

10. ‘Hey babe, I got some beers in and I’ve ordered a meat feast pizza. Oh yeah and Star Wars is on tonight. Shall we stay in?’ – If this doesn’t work, he’s gay or cheating on you.