The Jobs No One Wants

In our current economic crisis we are hearing every day about redundancies and unemployment rates - but I have a feeling there are some jobs that will always be hiring…

Inevitably in our lifetime (usually when young and exploitable) we’ll have to endure a job that we’d rather be sticking needles in our eyes than do. Most of us will have had a boss that’s incompetent and smells of cheese/BO/fags/talcum powder - or heaven forbid, a mixture of them all.

Has anyone seen my stapler?

Psychologists say that people steal small things from work to make up for their exploitation. I had a friend who once stole 10,000 paper clips from work just to make her daylight robbery salary more bearable; she’s long left the job but hasn’t been to a stationer in years.

I’ve found myself sat on a couch that smells like soggy dog wondering how an advertisement for a ‘trendy inner city bar’ becomes an interview with a 40 year old bearded man asking me if I’m okay with ‘strip night Saturdays’. He’s hammering home that if he has to clean the toilets then so do I, and any tips I might make won’t go in my pocket but to charity. Yes, the charity which funds the maintenance of his beer-belly no doubt.

So next time you’re answering the fiftieth call of the day, have aching feet after an 8 hour shift or don’t want to get out of bed one minute before 7am, then bear these jobs in mind. Here are some of the oddest, worst and most thoroughly avoidable jobs out there. Enjoy, and be thankful they’re not yours!

Fluffer
A fluffer works on porn films; he or she makes sure the male ‘actor’ always rises to the occasion.

How it reads on a CV? “I have been working in the film industry for the past year; I was an indispensible member of the team. Without me the show couldn’t have gone on”.

The Mascot
For the first day, being in disguise as a bear and being able to scare small children might be entertainment. However I’m sure this would fade after one day of feeling like Rick Waller with heat exhaustion. 

CV says: “I worked within the promotions sector of the company, promoting brand awareness and socialising with clientele”.

Intern for a big fashion magazine
Some advertisements for fashion interns may as well read “When not getting me a Starbucks extra skinny mocha diet calorie free cream dream frappecappuccino, you must be willing to wipe my arse”.

CV says: "I gained a mass of experience within all roles in the company and organised a complex admin system involving a spreadsheet."

Back, Sack and Crack Waxer
“Just spread your cheeks”. Of course it is okay to spread your bum cheeks and allow a stranger to wax your crack as long as you’re surrounded by candles and essential oils.

CV: “I’ve worked as a beautician for five years and know all the ins and outs of the position.”

Journalist for the Barbed Wire Collector
Need I say more? Could be worse, you could work for the Official Meetings Facilities Guide. OMFG!

CV: "I was excellent at multitasking between working and upping our social networking presence on the likes of Facebook."

Stunt Bum
Think Joey in Friends - all the diets for none of the glory! You’ll probably get the pleasure of meeting the back, sack and crack waxers in the line of work.

CV: "I was a great team player with no insurance claims filed in the past 3 months."

Being the face of FemFresh
Picture it now - you've finally made your break into show business, your face is plastered all over London on billboards, posters and you feature in the Corrie Ad-break. How proud your parents and Auntie Marge will be.

CV: “I am the face of a global beauty product featured on television, adverts and chemist shelves and always get recognised. During my time in this job I perfected both my wistful, uncomfortable and happy faces”.

Flatulence Analyst
Apparently farts can be a great indicator of intestinal health - cue the flatulence analyst! This job is basically being farted on; no job could pay enough in my opinion!

CV: "A fulfilling role that assisted me in developing my nose for business and consider Donald Trump a fantastic role model."

When I grow up I want to be a…
If you really do have a boring job, then tell people you’re a cat herder, pimp, dildo model or condom tester. I dares ya - it might just brighten up your day!