Girl's Column: Sex In The Sticks

Ok, I’ve done it. Mission accomplished, the deed is done, and we have lift off. The man from Del Monte says ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ That’s right girls, after a four month drought I’ve finally had sex and – besides from having to call Bob Geldof to inform him to that the appeal concert is no longer necessary – I’m faced with a new dilemma. It’s not a one night stand, it’s a regular thing and - quite frankly – I’m not sure that I have the time.

Apparently women spend an average of 136 days of their lives getting ready for a night out (which is enough time for an astronaut to fly to the moon and back 22 times) but what this estimate does not include is the extra time it takes to get ready for sex. And, as we wake-up in the dawn of a new relationship era (now finding ourselves putting our friends and other commitments on the back burner) is the time we spend getting ready for our steamy sessions justifiable?

Gone are the mornings of jumping into the shower while thinking ‘can I be bothered to shave today?’ and in their place are bathing sessions that are so complex that rib removal suddenly seems like a practical option.

Our hours are spent plucking, polishing, exfoliating and waxing, and (even though we should now have a gold medal in each of these disciplines) we find that each time we reach our toes it’s time to go back to the top and work our way back down again.

So, what are the alternatives? Growing a pair of furry leggings in the style of Mr Tumnus from The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe? Investing in permanent make-up and laser hair removal? Or searching through the internet in the vain hope that we may be able to find a box of full body condoms that are thick enough to disguise the fuzz and scales?

The answer - as I turn off the lights, back away from the door and dive beneath the duvet - seems clear. This grooming thing is a waste of time! We all know that he probably won’t get to see my naked body until at least month three...