Aaargh! Weird and Funny Phobias

Everyone has a fear of something. Phobias like Coulrophobia (a fear of clowns) or Selachophobia (a fear of sharks) are mysteriously common, despite the fact that most people will never really encounter a situation where they will confront their nemesis. But what about the more weird, obscure phobias? There are certainly plenty out there…

There are loads of technical terms for being fearful of things that are just generally unpleasant. Constipation? Not nice. No one likes to talk about it, much less watch adverts on TV about it where a woman illustrates the state of her bowels by stuffing more and more food into her handbag. Disgusting! But if you have coprastasophobia, your life could well be taken over by a fear of not being able to, er, go. Certainly sounds like a good case to take the makers of that advert to court though.

Your life could be made considerable more difficult if you’re unlucky enough to be afflicted with dromophobia. The poor sufferers of this phobia have a fear of crossing streets. Good God! Was it coined by lollipop ladies after one frosty morning too many? Just imagine having to walk in ever decreasing circles just to get home… You’d be beyond dizzy (and most likely have a bit of a limp).

Hopefully John Prescott’s wife doesn’t have geniophobia, or she’d never put up with wobbly-chinned ‘4 Jags’. A fear of chins? Does that mean chins in general, or only when a person has multiple chins? Watch yourself, Vanessa Feltz. Your chins’ days could be numbered if you ever bump (or wobble) into one of these chin-hating maniacs.

No doubt coined by some dirty hippy, plutophobia is a fear of wealth. At least it’s a good excuse for why your money’s run out by the end of the first week of each month. A big bank balance? Terrifying! There’s no other cure than to shop. And shop. Unless you have orthophobia too (a fear of property), in which case, sufferers are no doubt surrounded by helpful friends and family willing to alleviate their fear of money. In fact, if any victims of either phobia are reading this – please get in touch.

At least we finally have an explanation for our lack of dates lately – put it all down to Venustraphobia. Men! You don’t have to fear us beautiful women any longer. Admitting your problem is the first step to recovery. Although on reflection, perhaps our lack of dates is more down to our anti-methyphobia. There is certainly no fear of alcohol here at Whisper towers…

Then there are the stupid phobias. The irony award has to go to the ludicrously entitled hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, which is, foolishly, a fear of long words. What kind of malicious wordsmith dreamt that term up? Sufferers can’t even bear to investigate their condition!

Some phobias sound like they were made up with a hangover. Hobophobia is a fear of beggars. Hobo – phobia?! What next? MissingEasteEndersphobia? Crabsticksphobia? It’s insania. But we do like the mental image of a hobophobia sufferer running away screaming from a pack of rabid tramps.

Don’t ever take a consecotaleophobia sufferer for a Chinese. Their fear of chopsticks might see them attacking you in a fit of terror over your green tea. And don’t take someone with acerophobia either – their fear of sourness could lead to a full-scale panic when the sweet and sour chicken comes out. For that matter, don’t take an alektorophobic – chickens fill them with dread. Oh dear. At this rate we’ll all be agoraphobic, locked in our houses afraid to come out in case of sparking off someone else’s worst nightmare…